Parents Center-The Responsible Child: How to Teach Responsibility (age 5)

What to expect at this age
Though she's increasingly socially aware, your 5-year-old still isn't focusing on contributing to the greater good or understanding her role in the family or in society (after all, she's still the center of the universe, right?). She is, however, ready for more complex chores now, and she can be expected to take care of some tasks without prompting from you. Best of all, giving her regular duties will teach her organization and self-reliance, and her self-esteem will get a boost.

What you can do
Set a good example. One of the best (and hardest) ways to engender responsible behavior is to be a good role model with your own possessions — put your car keys where they belong instead of on the dining room table, and tidy up your stack of magazines instead of leaving them all over the couch.

Choose age-appropriate tasks. Your 5-year-old is ready to handle some jobs that require self-reliance and dependability. She can feed the dog every evening (not just when you ask her to), for example, and put her dirty clothes in the hamper every night at bedtime. She can also start learning to plan ahead if you ask her questions like, "What will you need in your backpack tomorrow at school?" and "What equipment will you need to have at your swim class this afternoon?"

Teach first things first. Your kindergartner probably knows by now that work usually comes before play, but you still need to reinforce this basic rule. "Sure I want to take you to the park!" you can tell her. "But remember, first we need to clean up after lunch." Be friendly and matter-of-fact about it, and admit that you prefer the fun, too — then she'll understand that you're not just being bossy, but are simply expecting her to behave responsibly.

Make the job a game. Remember learning about barn-raising parties, where the whole village would help a family build a barn, and then everyone would share a feast? We all enjoy tasks more when they're fun, social occasions. Your 5-year-old will love helping you water the garden if she can also jump in any puddles that collect. If you challenge her to a race to see who can put the books back on the shelf the fastest, chances are she'll speed through the chore.

Try not to scold. It's tough to keep your cool when your child repeatedly fails to do what's expected of her. But lectures and punishments rarely work — at least not over the long haul — and they won't teach her any self-discipline. Instead, try getting your point across with humor. Kindergartners have a lot of fun with "Let's pretend." Rather than scolding her for leaving her cereal bowl on the floor for the dog to lick clean, come back to the topic later that day and say, "Okay, let's pretend this is an empty bowl from breakfast. What can we do with it? We can...put it on our heads! Is that a good idea? No. Okay, we can...throw it in the bathtub! No? Okay, we can...put it in the sink!" She'll not only enjoy the silliness of this game, she'll also learn to compare and evaluate possible solutions.

Change the cues. One of the most frustrating aspects of parenthood is having to repeat the same thing every day (or several times a day!). "How often do I have to tell you to hang up your coat?" we yell when our youngster enters the house and immediately dumps her clothes on the chair. We may not realize that she's learned to respond to our verbal cue, even if it's a negative one. "This is when it's time to rewind the tape," says Paul Coleman, a father, psychologist, and the author of How to Say It to Your Kids. "Tell your child, 'Go back outside. Good, now come back in, and hang the coat up when you come in.' Cheer when she does it. The stimulus of coming in the door becomes the cue, rather than your verbal request. And teaching her new behavior can actually be fun."

Expect ups and downs. "Kids are going to mess up. That's part of being a kid," says Coleman. "But you can usually get more compliance when they realize there's a pattern." So try not to express anger or disappointment if your 5-year-old is having an off day. Just say to her calmly, "Remember, you always feed the dog right before we set the table."

Keep a record. Visual evidence works well with this age group. So try using a wall chart that lists chores, and add a sticker every time your child does hers. When she's earned ten stickers, she gets to watch a special video or invite a friend over. This kind of record-keeping acts as an incentive but not a bribe. It also provides concrete proof of her efforts and boosts her pride in them.

Phrase things in a positive way. Jerry Wyckoff, a family psychologist and the coauthor of Twenty Teachable Virtues, suggests using what he calls "Grandma's rule" to encourage responsible behavior. "Grandma's rule makes it clear that your household has rules that everyone follows," says Wyckoff. So instead of issuing an ultimatum ("If you don't, then you won't"), Grandma's rule says, "When you've done what you have to do, then you get to do what you want to do." If your child says, "My friends are outside. I want go play with them," respond with, "When you've put your clothes away, then you can go outside." Saying, "If you put away your clothes, I'll give you a treat," on the other hand, really just bribes your kindergartner for what should be normal behavior — and it raises the possibility that she'll decide she can live without the treat and thus pass on cleaning up her clothes.

Give her space. Much as you may be tempted to grab your kindergartner's clothes and fold them properly yourself, try to resist. Instead, concentrate more on her efforts than her actual accomplishments. She may not be doing a perfect job, but criticizing her or co-opting her work will only squelch her desire to be responsible. Try making your suggestions gently and with yourself as the example, "You've done a really good job cleaning up. I try to fold my shirts instead of crumpling them up on the shelf, though. That keeps them from getting wrinkled." Your tone will help her get the point without becoming defensive and tuning you out.

Let her take the consequences. As long as the outcome isn't harsh or dangerous, now's the time to begin letting your kindergartner live with the results of the choices she makes. If her job is to pack her backpack for swim class and she forgets her towel, don't "rescue" her by coming up with a spare towel yourself. You can empathize with her discomfort by saying, "I'm sorry you're cold — how can you remember to bring your towel next time?" She may shiver in her wet suit for a few minutes, but she'll remember next time.

Take your child's temperament into account. If your 5-year-old consistently fails to meet her responsibilities, step back and think about whether she needs some extra help. Beginning a project is hard for many kids, and if yours is a bit passive she may need you to help her get started (then step back and let her carry on by herself). If she's easily overwhelmed, make sure your instructions are very clear. If she's the willful type, try to present the task matter-of-factly, not as an order. You might also try challenging her to a contest: "I bet you can't put the silverware away before I put the glasses away."

Pour on the praise. Positive reinforcement will teach your kindergartner that her efforts are important and appreciated. When appropriate, point out exactly how she's helped everyone else: "Great! Now that you've set the table, we can all eat right away. And I know everybody's hungry!"

source from http://parentcenter.babycenter.com