Parents Center-Developmental Milestone: Separation and Indenpendence (age 6 to 8)

Separation and independence: What to expect when
At this age your child should be able to separate from you and your partner with ease. In fact, he may be eager to head off to a friend's house for a sleepover, or stay with Grandma for the weekend. Still, helping your child cope with separation now will make future separations easier. That's especially true if your child has a shy, anxious, or timid temperament, since he may be more sensitive to separations.

What you'll see
Your child will also be increasingly more independent of you by now. That's a positive sign that he's more secure and his sense of identity is stronger. For instance, during these elementary school years, the importance of friends — both children and adults — outside his own family, will increasingly play a large role in his life. He'll be able to do more things for himself, such as make toast for breakfast and pack his lunch. And he can help out more with family chores, including vacuuming his bedroom, taking out the trash, making salad for dinner, or planting a vegetable garden. But don't panic; despite this emerging independence, there's a long way before your child goes off to college.

What you can do
It's simple: Encourage your child's growing independence. "The challenge of parenting lies in finding the balance between nurturing, protecting, and guiding your child, and allowing him to explore, experiment, and become an independent, unique person," says California family therapist Jane Nelsen, author of the Positive Discipline book series. So let your child try something new, such as trying a different food, finding a new friend, or riding a horse, and resist the urge to intervene. Jumping in to say, "I'll do it" can foster dependence and diminish your child's confidence.

You'll also want to balance between offering your child developmentally appropriate challenges, which may still involve some frustration on his part, and having him stretch to tackle developmentally inappropriate tasks, which can squelch independence. In other words, let him tough it out a bit as he gets the hang of the vacuum cleaner, for instance, but don't set him up to fail by expecting him to make a whole salad. Following are some strategies to try:

At home Acknowledge the importance of your child's increasingly independent relationships. Suggest that your child invite his school pals home. It's important for the self-esteem of a child this age to show off his home, family, and possessions. This doesn't mean your house has to be luxurious or filled with expensive playthings; warm and welcoming is what's needed here.

Around others A child's sense of independence is also nourished when you treat him with respect. For instance, his body is his own, so don't insist that he kiss or hug relatives or family friends if he doesn't want to. Instead, let him set his own pace for public displays of affection. If Grandma feels slighted, simply explain to her that you don't want to force your child to show her affection when he doesn't want to — he'll probably find other ways to let her know he's happy to see her.

At sleepovers You should also assess whether your child is ready for a sleepover or an extended stay at a relative's home. If he needs elaborate bedtime rituals or clings or cries when you leave him or seems unhappy in new situations, you may want to postpone a sleepover — for everyone's sake. Instead, try a practice run: Send your pj-clad, sleeping-bag-toting child to a friend's or family member's place for a few hours of nighttime fun, chatting, and snacking. Around 9 o'clock, you can pick him up and then everyone can get some sleep.

If, on the other hand, your child is eager to go away for a night, sleeps well at home, and handles separation without any drama, then go ahead and let him go to a sleepover. Just make sure to answer any questions he might have beforehand, such as where he will sleep, and tell him he can come home at any time if he needs to. Then help him get ready for the big occasion, drop him off, and let him know when you or your partner will pick him up the next day. Make sure you come when you say you will. You may also want to call your child around bedtime, if you think that might be comforting.

What to watch out for
If your child clings, cries, or otherwise displays a major protest when you or your partner leaves him, talk with his pediatrician. It may simply be that his shy or timid temperament means he has a tendency to such behavior, which he'll probably overcome in the next year or so. Or he may be stressed about a change, such as going to a new school, moving to a new house, or the unexpected absence of a parent. A persistent problem with separating that lasts four weeks or more and negatively affects the quality of your child's life, for instance skipping playdates to avoid anxiety, should be discussed with his doctor, says Kristi Alexander, a pediatric psychologist at United States International University in San Diego

What's ahead
The road to adulthood is riddled with separations: the first day of middle school, the first time away at summer camp, and even the first year of college. As your child moves through the elementary school years, he'll become increasingly independent and show an even greater comfort level with separating from you and your partner for sleepovers, visits with grandparents, and out-of-town field trips. Peers and adults outside the immediate family — such as teachers, coaches, aunts, and uncles — will play an increasingly important role in his life. But you're not done yet: Your child will always need your guidance, encouragement, and love.

To share your concerns about your child's shyness or anxieties with other parents, see our bulletin board.

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Parents Center-Developmental Milestone: Self-care (age 6 to 8)

Self-care: What to expect when
As your child gets older he'll learn — and want — to do more things for himself, from popping waffles in the toaster to breaking out the vacuum cleaner to tidy up his bedroom (you hope!). While watching your child grow increasingly independent can be bittersweet, learning to take care of himself is an important part of your child's personal and social development.

Skills he'll work at
Taking a bath or shower: At this age a lot of children are comfortable taking a bath or shower on their own, though you don't want to be too far away, says Denise Aloisio, a developmental-behavioral pediatrician in Rochester, New York. Stay within earshot in case your child needs a hand. Aloisio also recommends that parents lower the temperature on the family's hot-water heater to no more than 120 degrees Fahrenheit, so a child can't accidentally scald himself. And always encourage your child always to turn the cold water on first.

Preparing breakfast: Six-year-olds can fix themselves cold cereal and pour juice or milk. Eight-year-olds are probably ready to use the toaster oven for heating muffins, bagels, and other breakfast items.

Packing his backpack: By the time your child is about 8, he should be able to pack his schoolbag with all the necessities for the day, such as books, food, musical instruments, and sports gear. Until then, you'll want to help him gather the right stuff.

Making his lunch: With limited choices and some guidance from you, your school-age child is capable of packing his own lunch. Take a peek to make sure that what he's bringing to school is, for the most part, nutritious — no potato chip-marshmallow sandwiches, for instance.

Helping out around the house: Children this age can pick up their toys, make their beds, and clean their rooms — they can even take the vacuum cleaner out for a spin. They can also lend a hand with tasks in the kitchen and garden.

What you can do
Always, encouragement is key. Whenever your child tries his hand at a new skill, tell him you're proud he made the effort (regardless of the result) and urge him to try again. Don't always jump in to help; it's essential that he have enough time to master tasks on his own, at his own pace. Try not to pressure him before he's ready, either. Be flexible — if making his own lunch means bologna every day for a week, so be it. More important things, like independence and self-sufficiency, are at stake. If he misses a few sections of carpet as he vacuums, let it go. The more he practices his new skills, the better he'll get.

Keep a watchful eye on your child as he experiments with doing things he hasn't tried before, and explain why he can't do everything for himself. Tell him, for instance, why it's not safe for him to walk to his friend's house alone, or why he can't fire up the barbecue just yet. He probably won't be happy about it, but he'll understand your reasoning.

What to watch out for
Children develop skills differently, some more quickly than others, but if your child actively resists attempting any of the tasks above or shows no interest in learning them, talk to his pediatrician.

What's ahead
As the years roll by, your child will get better and better at taking care of himself. At around age 10 or 11, he'll be able to stay home alone, for instance, for short periods and with clear instructions. Then it's simply a matter of time before he can do laundry and cook dinner, not to mention drive himself to soccer practice — or, better yet, bring you breakfast in bed.

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Parents Center-The Responsible Child: How to Teach Responsibility (age 6 to 8)

What to expect at this age
Grade-schoolers are quite competent at handling various responsibilities, and they're developing a sense of how some chores, like picking up litter in the park, can benefit an entire community. Remember, though, that most kids don't have much internal motivation to be responsible, so yours may still need occasional reminders. At this stage, it's best not to overload your youngster with lots of tasks. Instead, ask him to perform fewer chores — but then make sure he follows through and does them.

What you can do
Set a good example. One of the best (and hardest) ways to engender responsible behavior is to be a good role model with your own possessions — put your car keys where they belong instead of on the dining room table, and tidy up your stack of magazines instead of leaving them all over the couch.

Choose age-appropriate tasks. Kids this age should be handling at least some tasks that require self-reliance and dependability. Your grade-schooler can make his bed every morning, load the dishwasher, or sweep up the kitchen floor. You can also help him learn to plan ahead if you ask questions such as, "What will you need in your backpack tomorrow at school?" and "What equipment will you need to have at your swim class this afternoon?"

A grade-schooler can also learn about responsibility to the community. So bring him along to a park cleanup day, or get involved in a community flower-planting project. He'll take pride in his contributions toward improving his neighborhood.

Teach first things first. Your youngster knows by now that work comes before play, but you still need to reinforce this basic rule. "I want to go swimming too," you can tell him. "But remember, first we need to clean up after lunch." Be friendly and matter of fact about it, and admit that you, too, prefer the fun — then he knows that you're not being bossy, but are simply expecting him to behave responsibly.

Make the job a game. Remember learning about barn-raising parties, where the whole village would help a family build a barn, and then everyone would share a feast? We all enjoy tasks more when they're fun, social occasions. Your grade-schooler will love helping to wash the car on a hot day if spraying himself (or you!) with the hose is allowed.

Try not to scold. It's tough to keep your cool when your child repeatedly fails to do what's expected of him. But lectures and punishments rarely work — at least not over the long haul — and they won't teach him self-discipline. Instead, try getting your point across with humor. Kids this age love it when their parents act sillier than they do. Instead of scolding your youngster for leaving his cereal bowl on the floor for the dog to lick clean, come back to the topic later that day and say, "Okay, let's pretend this is an empty bowl from breakfast. What can we do with it? We can...put it on our heads! Is that a good idea? No. Okay, we can...throw it in the bathtub! No? Okay, we can...put it in the sink!" He'll not only enjoy the silliness of this game, he'll also learn to compare and evaluate possible solutions.

Change the cues. One of the most frustrating aspects of parenthood is having to repeat the same thing every day (or several times a day!). "How often do I have to tell you to hang up your coat?" "How many times do I have to tell you to put your dirty clothes in the hamper!" It gets so you can't bear to hear yourself. What you may not realize, however, is that as a result of this kind of nagging, your grade-schooler has learned to respond to the verbal cue, even if it's a negative one. "This is when it's time to rewind the tape," says Paul Coleman, a father, psychologist, and the author of How to Say It to Your Kids. "Tell your child, 'Go back outside. Good, now come back in, and hang the coat up when you come in.' Cheer when he does it. The stimulus of coming in the door becomes the cue, rather than your verbal request. And teaching him new behavior can actually be fun."

Expect ups and downs. "Kids are going to mess up. That's part of being a kid," says Coleman. "But you can usually get more compliance when they realize there's a pattern." So try not to express anger or disappointment if your grade-schooler's having an off day. Just say to him calmly, "Remember, you always feed the dog right before we set the table."

Keep a record. Visual evidence works well with this age group. Try using a wall chart that lists chores, and add a sticker every time your child does his. When he's earned ten stickers, he gets to watch a special video or invite a friend over. This kind of record-keeping acts as an incentive but not a bribe. It also provides concrete proof of his efforts and boosts his pride in them.

Phrase things in a positive way. Jerry Wyckoff, a family psychologist and the coauthor of Twenty Teachable Virtues, suggests using what he calls "Grandma's rule" to encourage responsible behavior. Instead of issuing an ultimatum ("If you don't, then you won't"), Grandma's rule says, "When you've done what you have to do, then you get to do what you want to do." "Grandma's rule makes it clear that your household has rules that everyone follows," says Wyckoff. If your child says, "John asked me to come over to his house today. I want to go," respond with, "When you've finished your homework, then you can go play." Saying, "If you finish your homework, I'll take you to a movie," on the other hand, really just bribes your grade-schooler for what should be ordinary behavior — and it raises the possibility that he'll decide he can live without the treat and thus pass on finishing his homework.

Give him space. Much as you may be tempted to grab your grade-schooler's clothes and fold them properly yourself, try to resist. Instead, concentrate more on his efforts than his actual accomplishments. He may not be doing a perfect job, but criticizing him or co-opting his work will only squelch his desire to be responsible. Try making your suggestions nicely or even with gentle ruefulness, as in, "That's a pretty good job with the bed. I usually put my dirty clothes in the hamper first, though, instead of pulling the sheets up over them." Your tone will help him get the point without feeling defensive and tuning you out.

Let him take the consequences. As long as the outcome isn't harsh or dangerous, let your grade-schooler live with the results of the choices he makes. If he's responsible for packing his homework into his backpack each morning and he doesn't do it, don't hand-deliver it to his classroom later. He may regret having forgotten his homework, but you can bet he'll remember it tomorrow. You can nudge him along by asking him how he can remember next time.

Take your child's temperament into account. If he's consistently failing to meet his responsibilities, step back and think about whether he needs some extra help. Beginning a project is hard for many kids, and if yours is a bit passive he may need you to help him get started (then step back and let him carry on by herself). If he's easily overwhelmed, make sure your instructions are very clear. If he's the willful type, try to present the task matter-of-factly, not as an order.

Pour on the praise. Positive reinforcement will teach your child that his efforts are important and appreciated. When appropriate, point out exactly how he's helped everyone else: "Great! Now that you've mowed the lawn, we can all have a volleyball game this afternoon."

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How To Teach Your Grade-Schooler To Share (age 6 to 8)

What to expect at this age
For the most part, grade-schoolers are good at sharing. They understand and even act on empathy, they're caught up in friendships, and they like to please others. They have mastered most of the rules of social interaction, so unless they're having a bad day (or going through a rough patch), they share pretty well —so well, in fact, that they may come home from school with a classmate's shoes on, because they're "sharing."

Some grade-schoolers, though, aren't convinced that sharing is such a good thing. This is a matter of temperament. "Kids who are more easily irritated by changes or difficult circumstances sometimes have a hard time sharing," says Susanne Denham, a developmental psychology professor at George Mason University in Fairfax, Va. Others have trouble sharing new toys or things that are in short supply (like playground swings).

What to do
Talk it up. Your grade-schooler is old enough to engage in a detailed discussion about sharing, so talk about the issue and problem-solve together: "Let's say Nathan comes over and wants to try out your new glitter paints. What will you tell him?" If your youngster is reluctant to share his art supplies, ask him, "How can we avoid a problem?" or "What can you do so that Nathan isn't disappointed?" Maybe he'll suggest putting away the paints before Nathan arrives or decide to let his pal try one of his new colors, along with all of the old ones. In your discussions, point out to your child how sharing will help him build friendships, something of paramount importance to him now.

Don't punish stinginess. If you tell your grade-schooler that he's selfish, discipline him when he doesn't share, or force him to hand over a prized possession, you'll foster resentment, not generosity. "To encourage sharing, use positive reinforcement rather than admonishment," advises Roni Leiderman, Ph.D., associate dean of the Family Center at Nova Southeastern University in Ft. Lauderdale, Fla. In other words, when he does share, be sure to compliment him.

Respect your grade-schooler's things. If your youngster feels that his clothes, books, and toys are being manhandled, it's unlikely he'll give them up even for a moment. So ask permission before you borrow his colored pencils, and give him the option of saying no. Make sure that siblings, friends, and babysitters respect his things too, by asking if they can use them and by taking good care of them when they do.

Lead by example. The best way for your grade-schooler to learn generosity is to witness it. So share your ice cream with him. Offer to let him listen to a tape on your Walkman. And don't forget to remind him that intangibles (like feelings, ideas, and stories) can be shared too. Most important, let him see you give and take, compromise, and share with others.

Teach him what not to share. Once he gets the hang of it, your grade-schooler may be so eager to spread the wealth that you'll need to remind him that some items — like his toothbrush, comb, hat, and shoes — are best kept to himself.

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The Generous Child: How to Teach Generosity (age 6 to 8)

What you can do
Demonstrate generosity. You grade-schooler takes her best cues from you, and when she consistently sees you being generous she'll want to copy your behavior. Don't hesitate to explain your own unselfish decisions aloud: "I got two copies of this book for my birthday. I could exchange one of them for a different book. But I know my friend Anne wants to read it, so I think I'll give it to her."

Discuss other people's wants and needs. "You're trying to socialize your grade-schooler to see a world bigger than herself," says Wayne Dosick, a rabbi and the author of Golden Rules: The Ten Ethical Values Parents Need to Teach Their Children. Begin by teaching her to think about friends and family members. When she says, "I really want pizza for dinner tonight!" you can reply, "I know your friend Sam likes pizza, too. Why don't we invite him to come with us?"

"That way you're not just saying, 'Hey, don't be so selfish!'" says Dosick. "You're saying, in the gentlest way, 'Be aware of the needs of others.'"

Show that you disapprove of selfishness. Reprimands that are firm and consistent — but not harsh — will teach your youngster the family stance on generosity. "I don't like it when you keep all the Barbie clothes for yourself," you can say. "In our family, we share. Please let your sister play with some of them too." Try not to resort to punishment, which will probably only make her more defiant, not more generous.

Pile on the praise. Whenever your grade-schooler does share, tell her how happy that makes you feel. "I'm so proud of you for sharing your dessert with the new girl at school," you can tell her. "That's a great way to make a new friend." She'll feel good about earning your respect and making someone else happy, and generous behavior will come to her more naturally.

Be a volunteer. To teach your child generosity on the community level, get involved with a charitable activity, whether it's helping at a soup kitchen once a week or taking holiday cookies to a nursing home. Bring your child along so she can see how real people are affected by your actions. Having witnessed such generosity at work, many grade-schoolers are inspired to volunteer themselves. Encourage your child if she wants to join a fundraising walkathon or take toys to the children's wing of your local hospital, and let her know you're proud of her actions.

Look for the reasons behind her stinginess. If being generous remains a major obstacle for your grade-schooler, take a look at other issues in her life. Has your family just moved? Is her best friend away on a long vacation, or has a favorite pet recently died? Sometimes a child will react to tough transitions by clinging more tightly to a beloved possession or selfish behavior. In that case, "She's just holding onto something because she needs an extra security blanket," explains Paul Coleman, a psychologist, family therapist, and the author of How to Say It to Your Kids. So try not to get frustrated — just give her the time and support she needs to work through what's really bothering her, and save the sharing lessons for later.




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The Respectful Child: How To Teach Respect (age 6 to 8)

What to expect at this age
Grade-schoolers aren't exactly paragons of respectful behavior. In fact, it often seems as though their whole purpose in life is to get your goat. That's perfectly normal, according to Jane Nelsen, an education specialist and the coauthor of Positive Discipline A—Z. "They're testing the limits of their power," she says. "Frankly, I worry about kids who don't do this!" Despite the ongoing need to test limits, kids also need to learn the importance of respect for others — and respect begins at home.

What you can do
Demonstrate respectful behavior. "We don't generally give our children the kind of respect that we demand from them," says Jerry Wyckoff, a psychologist and the coauthor of Twenty Teachable Virtues. "We get confused because often, our upbringing makes us equate respect with fear: 'I really respected my father because I knew he'd hit me if ... ' That's not respect — that's fear."

Instead, begin by listening. In daily conversation, look your child in the eye and make it clear that you're interested in what she's saying. To listen more formally, hold regular family meetings where everyone — including your grade-schooler — can air their ideas and opinions about issues facing the whole family.

Teach polite responses. Your youngster can show caring and respect for others through good manners. By this age, she ought to be saying "please" and "thank you" regularly and need just the occasional reminder. Explain that you'd rather help her when she's polite to you, and that you don't like it when she orders you around. Again, being respectful yourself works better than lecturing. Say "please" and "thank you" to your child (and others), and she'll learn that the phrases are part of normal communication, both within your family and in public.

Avoid overreacting. If your grade-schooler calls you a "butthead," try not to get upset (hey, at least you don't have cooties!). A child who wants to provoke a reaction will endure almost any unpleasantness just to get a rise out of you. Instead, get face to face and say quietly but firmly, "We don't call each other names in this family." Then show her how to get what she wants respectfully: "When you want me to help you, just ask me nicely. Say, 'Mom, I need some help with my homework, please.'"

Expect disagreements. Life would be much easier if our children always happily complied with our requests, but that's not human nature. Try to remember that when your grade-schooler won't do your bidding, she isn't trying to be disrespectful — she just has a different opinion.

Teach her that she'll fare better if she can learn to stop expressing herself disrespectfully ("You're so boring, I don't want to be with you!") and instead learns to put a positive spin on her requests ("I really don't want to go with you to Grandma's this afternoon. Can't we call Emma and see if I can go play with her while you're gone?").

Set limits. "One of the best ways to model respect is to be both kind and firm in all of your discipline," says Nelsen. "Being kind shows respect for your child, and being firm shows respect for what needs to be done."

So if your grade-schooler throws a fit in the clothing store and none of your coping tactics work, what do you do? If the shopping can be postponed, tell her matter-of-factly, "We're going to leave now and come back to the store another time when you're feeling calmer." If the errand has to get done, walk a few feet away from your child after telling her "I'll be right over here where you can see me. Let me know when you're feeling calmer, and then we can finish up our shopping." If the meltdown continues you can always lead your child out to the car, where she can collect herself in private.

Talk it over later. Sometimes the best way to handle disrespect is to discuss it with your grade-schooler later, when you've both had a chance to cool off. You can validate her feelings and make your point by saying, "Honey, I could tell you were very upset. What do you think caused that? What ideas do you have to solve the problem? What would be a more respectful way to tell me how you're feeling?"

"One mistake parents make is that they try to impose consequences instead of helping children explore consequences," says Nelsen. "If your child believes you're really curious about her thinking, it's amazing — she'll often come to the same conclusion you would."

Praise respectful behavior. Reinforce your grade-schooler's impromptu displays of politeness as much as possible. But be specific. "The praise should describe the behavior in detail," Wyckoff emphasizes. "We tend to say, 'I'm proud of you,' 'good job.'" Instead, say, "Thank you for saying please when you asked for a snack," or "Thank you for asking my permission before you borrowed the scissors from my desk." Be explicit, and your youngster will quickly learn that her efforts are worthwhile and appreciated.

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The Caring Child: How To Teach Empathy (age 6 to 8)

What to expect at this age
At around 8 or 9, children begin to develop the cognitive skills necessary to understand the concept of empathy. But even 6-year-olds are preoccupied with fairness and concerned about being treated well, and they want others — friends, strangers, even characters in books — to be treated well too. Here's how to nurture these budding displays of empathy.

What you can do
Label the feeling. Your gradeschooler will be able to understand and manage his emotions much better if he can recognize them. So put a name to his behavior whenever you can. Say, for instance, "It was very kind of you to talk to that girl who was all alone on the swing. She must have been very lonely." By hearing that you noticed his behavior, he'll learn that you recognize and value his responsiveness. He needs to understand negative emotions, too, so don't be afraid to calmly point out when he's being less than caring. Try saying, "It made your baby brother really sad when you grabbed his rattle. What could you do to help him feel better?"

Praise empathetic behavior. When your child performs an act of kindness, tell him what he did right, and be as specific as possible: "You were very generous to share your pretzels with Tommy. I saw him smiling, and I know he was happy."

Encourage your grade-schooler to talk about his feelings — and yours. Let him know that you care about how he feels by listening intently. If he has a story about someone else ("Tommy got in trouble for shoving Therese, and I don't think that was fair"), listen to his views before offering your own. And when he says he's mad, paraphrase what he says — "Oh, you're feeling grumpy today?" — so he knows you're listening and feels encouraged to elaborate.

Similarly, share your own feelings with him: "It makes me feel bad when you yell at me. Let's think of another way for you to tell me you're angry." It's a good idea to share your feelings even if they don't relate to your child's actions. You can say, "I'm frustrated that I didn't meet my deadline at work today" or "I got annoyed with Aunt Mary today, just like you get mad at your sister. But we're still friends." Your grade-schooler will learn that adults have feelings and emotions too, that they're a normal part of life, and that learning to cope with them is an important part of growing up.

Point out other people's behavior. Teach your child to notice when someone else has behaved kindly. You might say, for example, "Remember how friendly Sarah was to you on the first day of school? She helped you feel less lonesome." By doing this, you reinforce your grade-schooler's understanding of how people's actions can affect him emotionally.

Books also provide wonderful opportunities to explore emotions. Ask your child how he thinks the characters in his favorite books are feeling, and whether he thinks he'd be scared or brave or happy in the same situations. Tell him how you might feel too.

Teach nonverbal cues. At the playground or park, find a quiet place where you and your child can sit and discreetly observe others. Play a game of guessing what other people are feeling, and explain the specific reasons for your own guesses: "See that man? He's walking really quickly and his shoulders are hunched, and he's making a mean face. I think he's mad about something."

Teach basic rules of politeness. Good manners are a concrete way for your grade-schooler to show caring and respect for others. "Please" and "thank you" are phrases that school-age kids can and should be expected to use automatically. Explain to your child that you're more inclined to hand over his sandwich when he asks for it politely and that you don't like it when he orders you around. Even if these phrases sound rote at times, they teach kids how important it is to treat others with respect. Of course, being polite to him is worth a thousand rules and explanations. Say "please" and "thank you" regularly to your grade-schooler and to others, and he'll learn that these phrases are part of normal communication, both at home and out in public.

Don't use anger to control your child. Though it's easy to get upset when he sneaks the candy you told him not to eat before dinner, try not to use anger as a tool to manage his behavior. "When you say, 'I'm really mad at you,' children shut down and withdraw," says Jerry L. Wyckoff, a psychologist and the coauthor of Twenty Teachable Virtues. Teaching by instruction and example is much more effective, although it's important to let your child know you're disappointed. Instead of getting angry, take a moment to calm yourself down. Then say firmly, "I know you wanted that candy, but it upsets me that you ignored what I told you. Now you won't be allowed to have dessert tonight."

Give your child jobs. Research suggests that children who learn responsibility also learn altruism and caring. Grade-schoolers can take over simple jobs, such as feeding the dog or clearing the dinner table. Don't forget to pile on the praise for a job well done, and point out that your child's actions benefit everyone: "Thanks for remembering to set the table. We're all really hungry, and you've helped us sit down to dinner a lot faster."

Ask him to think of others. Each day is full of opportunities to remind your grade-schooler to think about how someone else might feel. "It's simple — say you're in the grocery store and your child asks for licorice. You can say, 'Sure. Now, do you think your little sister would like us to bring home a treat for her?'" says Wayne Dosick, a rabbi and the author of Golden Rules: The Ten Ethnical Values Parents Need to Teach Their Children.

Pay attention to your child's social life. Asking specific questions about people in your child's daily life reinforces the importance of social relationships and treating people well. Questions such as "Who did you play with at recess today?" and "What did you talk to Tommy about on the bus?" can lead to discussions about treating others with respect and kindness.

Involve your child in charitable activities. Acts of kindness and charity are an excellent way to teach your youngster empathy. When you take a meal to a sick neighbor or a friend with a new baby, let him help plan the menu. He can pack a bag of clothes to donate to the local charity and choose some of the toys and books he's outgrown to include as well. Help him write and mail a thank-you letter to Grandma for a birthday present. Explain that sometimes people need extra help, don't have the basics that they need, or would just feel happy to receive a sign of appreciation.

Expect the same behavior from boys and girls. Our society commonly considers men to be less empathetic than women. So sometimes, even without realizing it, we demand and praise empathetic behavior less often in boys than in girls. As Wyckoff says, "We set up this 'boy code' that goes on and on throughout their lives — 'I gotta be tough.' But if we're careful to teach them, boys can learn empathy just like girls."

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