Parents Center-Developmental Milestone: Separation and Indenpendence (birth to 12 mo.)

Separation and independence
As a newborn, your baby has no sense of himself as an individual; he thinks that the two of you are one and doesn't realize that the tiny hands and feet waving before him are his own. Over time, though, as your growing baby develops physically and mentally, he'll gradually figure out that he's his own little person, with his own body, thoughts, and feelings. Of course, he'll also want to do things his own way.

When it develops
Your baby's sense of individuality will take years to develop. At around 6 or 7 months, your baby begins to realize that he's separate from you and that you can leave him alone. This is when separation anxiety usually kicks in, and it can last well into the second year.

But once your child becomes more social, and more confident that you will, in fact, come back for him when you leave him at daycare or with a sitter, he'll be able to move forward and forge his own identity. By the toddler years, his growing independence may have blossomed enough to cause some problems: Wanting things "my way" is at the heart of many temper tantrums.

How it develops
1 to 6 months
Until his half birthday, your child will completely identify with his primary caregiver. Working on gaining control over his basic movements and reflexes, he can't even think about the process of forming his own identity during those first few months. His primary concern is filling his immediate needs for food, love, and attention.

You may start to notice the first signs of budding independence at about 4 months, when your baby discovers that he can cry to get your attention. That's one of the first steps in learning that he has an independent will and that how he behaves can have an impact on others — namely you.

A famous British study shows exactly how unaware babies are of their own existence. Researchers placed several infants under the age of 1 in front of a mirror to see whether they understood that the reflections were images of themselves. They didn't. Each baby would pat his mirror image, behaving as if he were seeing another baby. And when researchers dabbed red rouge on a baby's nose and plopped him back in front of the mirror, he always tried to touch his reflection's nose, not his own.

7 to 12 months
At around 7 months your baby will realize that he's independent of you. While this is an exciting cognitive milestone, this new understanding of separateness can make him anxious. He knows that you can leave him, but he doesn't know that you'll always come back, so he's likely to burst into tears when you leave, even for a minute.

Resist the urge to sneak away when his back is turned — when you leave him at daycare, for example. It won't help him cope, and it may just make him more afraid that you aren't coming back. Hard as it can be, say goodbye and go while he's watching.

13 to 24 months
Your baby is now making progress in differentiating himself from you and from the world around him. In the same British study mentioned above, researchers put rouge on the noses of children about 21 months of age. When these babies looked in the mirror, they touched their own noses; they understood that the reflections in the mirrors were images of themselves.

Your 2-year-old may still get upset when you leave him at daycare or with a sitter, but he'll recover more quickly now because he's more secure. Experience and his budding memory skills have taught him that you'll come back after being gone for a while. You've built his trust by continually showing him that you love and care for him.

It's also this trust that gives him the confidence to assert himself. His insistence on wearing those green pajamas for the fifth night in a row, eating only certain foods, and climbing into his car seat by himself are all signs of his increasing independence.

25 to 36 months
Between the ages of 2 and 3, your toddler will continue to struggle for independence. He'll wander farther away from you as he goes exploring, and he'll continue to test his limits (coloring on the walls, for example, even if you tell him not to). In fact, "I can do it myself" is probably one of the most common refrains you'll hear from your older toddler.

Your role
Your child needs a secure attachment to you before he can move away and explore his world. Consistently give him love and support, and he'll build the confidence he needs to strike out on his own. Beginning when he's an infant, respond immediately to your baby's cries. Build that crucial bond by feeding him when he's hungry, changing his diapers when they're dirty, and smiling and talking with him when he's alert.

You can play games with your baby to enhance his understanding of separation and return (so he learns not to panic when you leave him for a while). For example, play peekaboo by covering your face or ducking behind a piece of furniture, or hide a toy beneath a blanket and find it together. Not only do these games teach a lesson, the interaction fosters his sense of closeness to you.

To develop independence, your child needs to test his limits and explore his surroundings, so provide him with a safe home environment. Instead of running around saying "no" every time he touches something that could harm him, keep dangerous objects out of his reach and plenty of safe ones within it.

Encourage independence and a growing sense of self by giving your child choices and things he can do on his own. A choice between two outfits, snacks, or afternoon activities allows your child to think for himself, and having him drink from a cup or put his toys back into their container shows him he's learning to help himself.

Keep in mind that just because your child is starting to break out on his own doesn't mean he'll require less of your comfort and love. While he may grow less needy, he still craves your constant care. Encourage him any time he tries something on his own, but don't push him away when he runs back to you for support. He'll want and need your reassurance for a long time to come.

When to be concerned
Although separation anxiety is normal for babies between 9 and 18 months, you should consult your child's doctor if his anxiety becomes so overwhelming that he's unable to do anything without you by his side, or if he's inconsolable even after you're long gone from his presence.

What comes next
With age comes greater independence and self-awareness. Each year will bring more things that your child will want to do on his own. As your child gets older, he'll become more knowledgeable about himself and the scope of his abilities. Future developments include the ability to prepare his own food, make friends, and go to school.

source from http://www.babycenter.com

Parents Center-Developmental Milestone: Separation and Indenpendence (age 6 to 8)

Separation and independence: What to expect when
At this age your child should be able to separate from you and your partner with ease. In fact, he may be eager to head off to a friend's house for a sleepover, or stay with Grandma for the weekend. Still, helping your child cope with separation now will make future separations easier. That's especially true if your child has a shy, anxious, or timid temperament, since he may be more sensitive to separations.

What you'll see
Your child will also be increasingly more independent of you by now. That's a positive sign that he's more secure and his sense of identity is stronger. For instance, during these elementary school years, the importance of friends — both children and adults — outside his own family, will increasingly play a large role in his life. He'll be able to do more things for himself, such as make toast for breakfast and pack his lunch. And he can help out more with family chores, including vacuuming his bedroom, taking out the trash, making salad for dinner, or planting a vegetable garden. But don't panic; despite this emerging independence, there's a long way before your child goes off to college.

What you can do
It's simple: Encourage your child's growing independence. "The challenge of parenting lies in finding the balance between nurturing, protecting, and guiding your child, and allowing him to explore, experiment, and become an independent, unique person," says California family therapist Jane Nelsen, author of the Positive Discipline book series. So let your child try something new, such as trying a different food, finding a new friend, or riding a horse, and resist the urge to intervene. Jumping in to say, "I'll do it" can foster dependence and diminish your child's confidence.

You'll also want to balance between offering your child developmentally appropriate challenges, which may still involve some frustration on his part, and having him stretch to tackle developmentally inappropriate tasks, which can squelch independence. In other words, let him tough it out a bit as he gets the hang of the vacuum cleaner, for instance, but don't set him up to fail by expecting him to make a whole salad. Following are some strategies to try:

At home Acknowledge the importance of your child's increasingly independent relationships. Suggest that your child invite his school pals home. It's important for the self-esteem of a child this age to show off his home, family, and possessions. This doesn't mean your house has to be luxurious or filled with expensive playthings; warm and welcoming is what's needed here.

Around others A child's sense of independence is also nourished when you treat him with respect. For instance, his body is his own, so don't insist that he kiss or hug relatives or family friends if he doesn't want to. Instead, let him set his own pace for public displays of affection. If Grandma feels slighted, simply explain to her that you don't want to force your child to show her affection when he doesn't want to — he'll probably find other ways to let her know he's happy to see her.

At sleepovers You should also assess whether your child is ready for a sleepover or an extended stay at a relative's home. If he needs elaborate bedtime rituals or clings or cries when you leave him or seems unhappy in new situations, you may want to postpone a sleepover — for everyone's sake. Instead, try a practice run: Send your pj-clad, sleeping-bag-toting child to a friend's or family member's place for a few hours of nighttime fun, chatting, and snacking. Around 9 o'clock, you can pick him up and then everyone can get some sleep.

If, on the other hand, your child is eager to go away for a night, sleeps well at home, and handles separation without any drama, then go ahead and let him go to a sleepover. Just make sure to answer any questions he might have beforehand, such as where he will sleep, and tell him he can come home at any time if he needs to. Then help him get ready for the big occasion, drop him off, and let him know when you or your partner will pick him up the next day. Make sure you come when you say you will. You may also want to call your child around bedtime, if you think that might be comforting.

What to watch out for
If your child clings, cries, or otherwise displays a major protest when you or your partner leaves him, talk with his pediatrician. It may simply be that his shy or timid temperament means he has a tendency to such behavior, which he'll probably overcome in the next year or so. Or he may be stressed about a change, such as going to a new school, moving to a new house, or the unexpected absence of a parent. A persistent problem with separating that lasts four weeks or more and negatively affects the quality of your child's life, for instance skipping playdates to avoid anxiety, should be discussed with his doctor, says Kristi Alexander, a pediatric psychologist at United States International University in San Diego

What's ahead
The road to adulthood is riddled with separations: the first day of middle school, the first time away at summer camp, and even the first year of college. As your child moves through the elementary school years, he'll become increasingly independent and show an even greater comfort level with separating from you and your partner for sleepovers, visits with grandparents, and out-of-town field trips. Peers and adults outside the immediate family — such as teachers, coaches, aunts, and uncles — will play an increasingly important role in his life. But you're not done yet: Your child will always need your guidance, encouragement, and love.

To share your concerns about your child's shyness or anxieties with other parents, see our bulletin board.

source from http://parentcenter.babycenter.com

Parents Center-Developmental Milestone: Separation and Indenpendence (age 5)

Separation and independence: What to expect when
Most, though not all, 5-year-olds are ready to tackle school. For some children, going to kindergarten marks the first major separation from you and your partner. For kids who attended daycare or preschool, kindergarten is still a major turning point, because your child will be given more responsibilities and independence in school. And "big" school is usually a much larger and more complex social setting than any she's known before.

What you'll see
At this age, your child is probably able to separate from you and your partner comfortably. In fact, she may be eager to head off to a friend's house, or stay with grandma for the weekend. Still, helping your child cope with separation now will make future separations easier. That's especially true if your child has a shy, anxious, or timid temperament, since she may be more sensitive to separations.

Your child will also be increasingly less dependent on you by now. That's a positive sign that she's more secure and her sense of identity is stronger. For instance, during this year, if not before, your child will learn the value of friends — both children and adults — outside her own family, a strong indicator of her growing independence. She'll be able to do more things for herself, such as taking a bath with your help. And she can help out with family chores, including setting the table for dinner or planting seeds for a vegetable garden. But don't panic; despite this emerging independence, there's a long way yet before your child goes off to college.

What you can do
It's simple: Encourage your child's growing independence. "The challenge of parenting lies in finding the balance between nurturing, protecting, and guiding your child, and allowing her to explore, experiment, and become an independent, unique person," says California family therapist Jane Nelsen, author of the Positive Discipline book series. So let your child safely try something new, such as trying a different food, finding a new friend, or riding a bike without training wheels, and resist the urge to intervene. Jumping in to say, "I'll do it" can foster dependence and diminish your child's confidence.

You'll also want to balance between offering your child developmentally appropriate challenges, which may still involve some frustration on her part, and having her stretch to tackle developmentally inappropriate tasks, which can squelch independence. In other words, let her tough it out a bit as she figures out where to put things as she sets the table, for instance, but don't expect her to make a whole salad. Watch for her cues. Following are some smart strategies to try:

At home Acknowledge the importance of your child's increasingly independent relationships. Suggest that your kindergartner invite her school pals home. It's important for the self-esteem of a child this age to show off her home, family, and toys. This doesn't mean your house has to be luxurious or filled with expensive playthings; warm and welcoming is what's needed here.

At school A child who has a tough time separating, or one who isn't used to being apart from you or your partner, can benefit from a little extra time in the morning before heading off to kindergarten. Plan to wait with her at the bus stop before saying goodbye. Or build in extra time for breakfast together.

Around others A child's sense of independence is also nourished when you treat her with respect. For instance, her body is her own, so don't insist that she kiss or hug relatives or family friends if she doesn't want to. Instead, let her set her own pace for public displays of affection. If Grandma feels slighted, simply explain to her that you don't want to force your child to show her affection when she doesn't want to — she'll probably find other ways to let her know she's happy to see her.

At sleepovers You should also assess whether your child is ready for a sleepover or an extended stay at a relative's home. If she needs elaborate bedtime rituals or clings or cries when you leave her or seems unhappy in new situations, you may want to postpone a sleepover — for everyone's sake. Instead, try a practice run: Send your pj-clad, sleeping-bag-toting child to a friend's or family member's place for a few hours of nighttime fun, chatting, and snacking. Around 9 o'clock, you can pick her up and then everyone can get some sleep.

If, on the other hand, your child is eager to go away for a night, sleeps well at home, and handles separation without any drama, then go ahead and let her go to a sleepover. Just make sure to answer any questions she might have beforehand, such as where she will sleep, and tell her she can come home at any time if she needs to. Then help her get ready for the big occasion, drop her off, and let her know when you or your partner will pick her up the next day. Make sure you come when you say you will. You may also want to call your child around bedtime, if you think that might be comforting.

What to watch out for
If your child clings, cries, or otherwise displays a major protest when you or your partner leaves her, talk to her pediatrician. It may simply mean that she has a tendency to such behavior because of her shy or timid temperament, which she'll probably overcome by age 6. Or she may be stressed about a new change, such as going to school, moving to a new house, or the unexpected absence of a parent. A persistent problem with separating that lasts four weeks or more and negatively affects the quality of your child's life, for instance skipping playdates to avoid anxiety, should be discussed with her doctor, says Kristi Alexander, a pediatric psychologist at United States International University in San Diego.

Don't despair if your 5-year-old starts being rude when you ask him to do something he doesn't want to do. Difficult as this behavior may be to tolerate, it's actually a sign that he's learning to challenge authority and test the limits of his independence. Simply tell him in a calm but firm manner that such behavior is unacceptable and then move on. Making a big fuss over backtalk can backfire: You may actually prolong this sassy patter instead of putting a stop to it.

What's ahead
The road to adulthood is riddled with separations: the first day of middle school, the first time away at summer camp, and even the first year of college. As your child moves through the elementary-school years, she'll become increasingly independent and show an even greater comfort level with separating from you and your partner for sleepovers, visits with grandparents, and out-of-town field trips. Peers and adults outside the immediate family — such as teachers, coaches, aunts, and uncles — will play an increasingly important role in her life. But you're not done yet: Your child will always need your guidance, encouragement, and love.

To share your concerns about your child's shyness or anxieties with other parents, see our bulletin board.

source from http://parentcenter.babycenter.com

Parents Center-Developmental Milestone: Separation and Indenpendence (age 3 to 4)

Separation and independence: What to expect when
Most kids conquer separation anxiety by their third birthday. But don't be surprised if, once your child's cleared this hurdle, temporary episodes of separation anxiety continue to recur from time to time.

What you'll see
Children this age can still flip-flop between wanting to be independent and needing to run back to the comfort and security of Mom or Dad's arms. Still, helping your child cope with separation now will make future separations easier. That's especially true if your child has a shy, anxious, or timid temperament, since he may be more sensitive to separations.

Your child will also be less dependent on you by around age 3. That's a positive sign that he's more secure and his sense of identity is stronger. For instance, he'll happily play with other children, instead of just side by side. And, of course, most kids this age walk, talk, feed themselves, and use the potty or toilet with little or no help from you or your partner. By age 4 or so, your child can dress himself, brush his teeth with supervision, and pour his own cereal. But don't panic; despite this emerging independence, there's a long way before your child packs his bags for college.

What you can do
It's simple: Encourage your child's growing independence. "The challenge of parenting lies in finding the balance between nurturing, protecting, and guiding your child, and allowing him to explore, experiment, and become an independent, unique person," says California family therapist Jane Nelsen, author of the Positive Discipline book series. So let your child safely try something new, such as trying a different food, handling a conflict with his best friend, or riding a bike, and resist the urge to intervene. Jumping in to say, "I'll do it" can foster dependence and diminish your child's confidence.

You'll also want to balance between offering your child developmentally appropriate challenges, which may still involve some frustration on his part, and having him stretch to tackle developmentally inappropriate tasks, which can squelch independence. In other words, let him tough it out a bit to undo his buttons, for instance, but don't set him up to fail by expecting him to cut his sandwich in four triangles. Watch for his cues. Following are some smart strategies to try:

At home If your child has bouts of separation anxiety at home, your best bet is to figure out what he's afraid of — going to bed alone, for instance — and then address those fears with sympathy but not too much fuss, which can create the impression that his anxiety is warranted. To beat the bedtime blues, reassure your child that he's safe in an upbeat but matter-of-fact fashion. Say, "You've had something to drink and you've been to the toilet. So there's no need to get up again. It's time to lie down and go to sleep. Mommy will be in the next room."

When you need to head out for errands without your child or maybe even for a date with your partner, don't sneak out or lie about where you're headed. Prepare your child in advance, and then keep your goodbye ritual predictable, says Kristi Alexander, a pediatric psychologist at United States International University in San Diego. Try, "Christine is coming to play with you tonight while Mama and Daddy go to the movies. We'll come home after you've gone to sleep, but we'll come in and kiss you goodnight." And don't worry: You're not a bad parent if your child has difficulty separating from you. In fact, it's often a sign that you've established a strong bond with your child.

At preschool A child who has a tough time separating, or one who isn't used to being apart from you or your partner, can benefit from a gradual transition to a new childcare or preschool situation. Plan to stay awhile for the first few mornings of preschool so he can get comfortable in this unfamiliar setting before saying your goodbyes. You may need to ease into this new routine by leaving him for only a couple of hours at first and then gradually working up to a half-day or full-day schedule.

Around others Acknowledge the importance of your child's increasingly independent relationships. For instance, suggest that your child invite his preschool pals home. It's important to a child's self-esteem to be able to show off his home, family, and toys. This doesn't mean your house has to be luxurious or filled with expensive playthings; warm and welcoming is what's needed here.

A child's sense of independence is also nourished when you treat him with respect. For instance, his body is his own, so don't insist that he kiss or hug relatives or family friends if he doesn't want to. Instead, let him set his own pace for public displays of affection. If Grandma feels slighted, simply explain to her that you don't want to force your child to show his affection when he doesn't want to — he'll probably find other ways to let her know he's happy to see her.

What to watch out for
If your child routinely clings, cries, or otherwise displays a major protest when you or your partner leaves him, talk to his pediatrician. It may simply mean that he has a tendency to such behavior because of his temperament, which he'll probably overcome by around age 6. Or he may be stressed about a change, such as going to preschool, moving to a new house, or the unexpected absence of a parent. A persistent problem with separating that lasts four weeks or more and negatively affects the quality of your child's life, for instance skipping playdates to avoid anxiety, should be discussed with his doctor, Alexander says.

Don't despair if your 4-year-old child starts being rude when you ask him to do something he doesn't want to do. Difficult as this behavior may be to tolerate, it's actually a sign that he's learning to challenge authority and test the limits of his independence. Simply tell him in a calm but firm manner that such behavior is unacceptable and then move on. Making a big fuss over backtalk can backfire: You may actually prolong this sassy patter instead of putting a stop to it.

What's ahead
The road to adulthood is riddled with separations: the first day of school, the first time at a sleepover, and even the first year of college. Just around the corner for your soon-to-be 5-year-old is, of course, the challenge of starting kindergarten. At this age, your child can probably quite comfortably separate from you and your partner. And he'll become more and more independent as people outside his immediate family, such as peers and teachers, play a larger role in his life. But you're not done yet: Your child will always need your guidance, encouragement, and love.

source from http://parentcenter.babycenter.com

Parents Center-Developmental Milestone: Separation and Indenpendence (age 2)

Separation and independence: What to expect when
When your child was a baby, she was completely unaware that you and she were two separate beings. But over time, as she develops various physical, mental, and emotional skills and grows more confident, she'll start to figure out that she's her own person (with her own body, thoughts, and feelings), and she'll increasingly want to do things her way. Of course, as a parent of a 2-year-old, you're probably painfully aware of this. It's a bittersweet process to realize your baby's growing up — sad, but also cause for celebration.

What you'll see
When your child hits age 2, the adventure of self-discovery truly begins. This is a time of astounding transformation from infancy to independence. As a result, it's also a period of challenging behaviors. But understanding the reasons behind your child's actions can help you get through this tumultuous and exciting time.

Once completely dependent on you, your child now has the physical and mental capacity to wander off on her own. She embarks on this whirlwind voyage of mobility believing she rules her world. All too quickly, though, she learns the limits of her powers as she tries new experiences, whether it's climbing up on the couch and then not knowing how to get down, or trying to put on her coat and getting hopelessly tangled in it. When she realizes she doesn't have everything figured out just yet, she becomes frustrated and frightened. But throughout this process of trial and error, she's painstakingly developing her own identity.

Along with this newfound self-awareness comes a fear of abandonment, otherwise known as classic separation anxiety — sometimes she'll walk away from you, and other times she'll come running back. "Separation anxiety is an absolutely normal stage of development," says Donald K. Freedheim, a child psychologist and director of the Schubert Center for Child Development at Case Western Reserve University. "All children go through it; it's just more visible in some than in others." According to Freedheim, the condition tends to wax and wane, usually peaking at 18 months and tapering off by 30 months.

Between the ages of 2 and 3, your child continues to struggle for independence. She tests her limits any chance she can (coloring on the walls, for example, even if you tell her not to). "I can do it myself" is probably her most common refrain. Her newly discovered autonomy is linked to her sense of self, and she flaunts it in many ways. She may insist on wearing her purple pajamas for the fifth night in a row, eating only certain foods, and climbing into her car seat by herself.

What you can do
Despite the temptation to rush in and rescue your "baby" when she gets into a bind, try to encourage your child's growing independence. At the same time, be sure she knows you'll be there when she needs you. Your 2-year-old's trust in you is growing now, and this feeling of trust gives her the confidence to venture out on her own. She may still get upset when you leave her at daycare or with a sitter, but she'll recover more quickly now because she's more secure. Experience has taught her that you'll always return. Of course, knowing you'll come back and accepting your departure are two different issues. So although she's well aware that you will return, she may put on a bigger show when you leave her. Be sure to give your child the attention and reassurance she needs along with a kiss accompanied by a promise that you'll return. Pay attention to the signals you're sending to your child too — are you lingering at the door when you say good-bye?

What to watch out for
If she's like most kids, your child will conquer separation anxiety by her third birthday. But don't be surprised if, once she's cleared that hurdle, temporary episodes of separation anxiety continue to recur from time to time. The road to maturity is riddled with separations: the first day of preschool, the first time at sleep-away camp, and even the first year of college. But helping your child cope with separation now will make future separations easier.

What comes next
With age comes greater independence and self-confidence. Each year will bring more things that your child will want to do on her own. As she gets older, she'll get to know herself better and will be more aware of her limitations. Future developments include the ability to help prepare simple snacks and meals, make friends, and go to school. Before you know it, your clingy 2-year-old will grow into an audacious preschooler.

source from http://parentcenter.babycenter.com