Separation and independence
As a newborn, your baby has no sense of himself as an individual; he thinks that the two of you are one and doesn't realize that the tiny hands and feet waving before him are his own. Over time, though, as your growing baby develops physically and mentally, he'll gradually figure out that he's his own little person, with his own body, thoughts, and feelings. Of course, he'll also want to do things his own way.
When it develops
Your baby's sense of individuality will take years to develop. At around 6 or 7 months, your baby begins to realize that he's separate from you and that you can leave him alone. This is when separation anxiety usually kicks in, and it can last well into the second year.
But once your child becomes more social, and more confident that you will, in fact, come back for him when you leave him at daycare or with a sitter, he'll be able to move forward and forge his own identity. By the toddler years, his growing independence may have blossomed enough to cause some problems: Wanting things "my way" is at the heart of many temper tantrums.
How it develops
1 to 6 months
Until his half birthday, your child will completely identify with his primary caregiver. Working on gaining control over his basic movements and reflexes, he can't even think about the process of forming his own identity during those first few months. His primary concern is filling his immediate needs for food, love, and attention.
You may start to notice the first signs of budding independence at about 4 months, when your baby discovers that he can cry to get your attention. That's one of the first steps in learning that he has an independent will and that how he behaves can have an impact on others — namely you.
A famous British study shows exactly how unaware babies are of their own existence. Researchers placed several infants under the age of 1 in front of a mirror to see whether they understood that the reflections were images of themselves. They didn't. Each baby would pat his mirror image, behaving as if he were seeing another baby. And when researchers dabbed red rouge on a baby's nose and plopped him back in front of the mirror, he always tried to touch his reflection's nose, not his own.
7 to 12 months
At around 7 months your baby will realize that he's independent of you. While this is an exciting cognitive milestone, this new understanding of separateness can make him anxious. He knows that you can leave him, but he doesn't know that you'll always come back, so he's likely to burst into tears when you leave, even for a minute.
Resist the urge to sneak away when his back is turned — when you leave him at daycare, for example. It won't help him cope, and it may just make him more afraid that you aren't coming back. Hard as it can be, say goodbye and go while he's watching.
13 to 24 months
Your baby is now making progress in differentiating himself from you and from the world around him. In the same British study mentioned above, researchers put rouge on the noses of children about 21 months of age. When these babies looked in the mirror, they touched their own noses; they understood that the reflections in the mirrors were images of themselves.
Your 2-year-old may still get upset when you leave him at daycare or with a sitter, but he'll recover more quickly now because he's more secure. Experience and his budding memory skills have taught him that you'll come back after being gone for a while. You've built his trust by continually showing him that you love and care for him.
It's also this trust that gives him the confidence to assert himself. His insistence on wearing those green pajamas for the fifth night in a row, eating only certain foods, and climbing into his car seat by himself are all signs of his increasing independence.
25 to 36 months
Between the ages of 2 and 3, your toddler will continue to struggle for independence. He'll wander farther away from you as he goes exploring, and he'll continue to test his limits (coloring on the walls, for example, even if you tell him not to). In fact, "I can do it myself" is probably one of the most common refrains you'll hear from your older toddler.
Your role
Your child needs a secure attachment to you before he can move away and explore his world. Consistently give him love and support, and he'll build the confidence he needs to strike out on his own. Beginning when he's an infant, respond immediately to your baby's cries. Build that crucial bond by feeding him when he's hungry, changing his diapers when they're dirty, and smiling and talking with him when he's alert.
You can play games with your baby to enhance his understanding of separation and return (so he learns not to panic when you leave him for a while). For example, play peekaboo by covering your face or ducking behind a piece of furniture, or hide a toy beneath a blanket and find it together. Not only do these games teach a lesson, the interaction fosters his sense of closeness to you.
To develop independence, your child needs to test his limits and explore his surroundings, so provide him with a safe home environment. Instead of running around saying "no" every time he touches something that could harm him, keep dangerous objects out of his reach and plenty of safe ones within it.
Encourage independence and a growing sense of self by giving your child choices and things he can do on his own. A choice between two outfits, snacks, or afternoon activities allows your child to think for himself, and having him drink from a cup or put his toys back into their container shows him he's learning to help himself.
Keep in mind that just because your child is starting to break out on his own doesn't mean he'll require less of your comfort and love. While he may grow less needy, he still craves your constant care. Encourage him any time he tries something on his own, but don't push him away when he runs back to you for support. He'll want and need your reassurance for a long time to come.
When to be concerned
Although separation anxiety is normal for babies between 9 and 18 months, you should consult your child's doctor if his anxiety becomes so overwhelming that he's unable to do anything without you by his side, or if he's inconsolable even after you're long gone from his presence.
What comes next
With age comes greater independence and self-awareness. Each year will bring more things that your child will want to do on his own. As your child gets older, he'll become more knowledgeable about himself and the scope of his abilities. Future developments include the ability to prepare his own food, make friends, and go to school.
source from http://www.babycenter.com
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