The Caring Child: How To Teach Empathy (age 6 to 8)

What to expect at this age
At around 8 or 9, children begin to develop the cognitive skills necessary to understand the concept of empathy. But even 6-year-olds are preoccupied with fairness and concerned about being treated well, and they want others — friends, strangers, even characters in books — to be treated well too. Here's how to nurture these budding displays of empathy.

What you can do
Label the feeling. Your gradeschooler will be able to understand and manage his emotions much better if he can recognize them. So put a name to his behavior whenever you can. Say, for instance, "It was very kind of you to talk to that girl who was all alone on the swing. She must have been very lonely." By hearing that you noticed his behavior, he'll learn that you recognize and value his responsiveness. He needs to understand negative emotions, too, so don't be afraid to calmly point out when he's being less than caring. Try saying, "It made your baby brother really sad when you grabbed his rattle. What could you do to help him feel better?"

Praise empathetic behavior. When your child performs an act of kindness, tell him what he did right, and be as specific as possible: "You were very generous to share your pretzels with Tommy. I saw him smiling, and I know he was happy."

Encourage your grade-schooler to talk about his feelings — and yours. Let him know that you care about how he feels by listening intently. If he has a story about someone else ("Tommy got in trouble for shoving Therese, and I don't think that was fair"), listen to his views before offering your own. And when he says he's mad, paraphrase what he says — "Oh, you're feeling grumpy today?" — so he knows you're listening and feels encouraged to elaborate.

Similarly, share your own feelings with him: "It makes me feel bad when you yell at me. Let's think of another way for you to tell me you're angry." It's a good idea to share your feelings even if they don't relate to your child's actions. You can say, "I'm frustrated that I didn't meet my deadline at work today" or "I got annoyed with Aunt Mary today, just like you get mad at your sister. But we're still friends." Your grade-schooler will learn that adults have feelings and emotions too, that they're a normal part of life, and that learning to cope with them is an important part of growing up.

Point out other people's behavior. Teach your child to notice when someone else has behaved kindly. You might say, for example, "Remember how friendly Sarah was to you on the first day of school? She helped you feel less lonesome." By doing this, you reinforce your grade-schooler's understanding of how people's actions can affect him emotionally.

Books also provide wonderful opportunities to explore emotions. Ask your child how he thinks the characters in his favorite books are feeling, and whether he thinks he'd be scared or brave or happy in the same situations. Tell him how you might feel too.

Teach nonverbal cues. At the playground or park, find a quiet place where you and your child can sit and discreetly observe others. Play a game of guessing what other people are feeling, and explain the specific reasons for your own guesses: "See that man? He's walking really quickly and his shoulders are hunched, and he's making a mean face. I think he's mad about something."

Teach basic rules of politeness. Good manners are a concrete way for your grade-schooler to show caring and respect for others. "Please" and "thank you" are phrases that school-age kids can and should be expected to use automatically. Explain to your child that you're more inclined to hand over his sandwich when he asks for it politely and that you don't like it when he orders you around. Even if these phrases sound rote at times, they teach kids how important it is to treat others with respect. Of course, being polite to him is worth a thousand rules and explanations. Say "please" and "thank you" regularly to your grade-schooler and to others, and he'll learn that these phrases are part of normal communication, both at home and out in public.

Don't use anger to control your child. Though it's easy to get upset when he sneaks the candy you told him not to eat before dinner, try not to use anger as a tool to manage his behavior. "When you say, 'I'm really mad at you,' children shut down and withdraw," says Jerry L. Wyckoff, a psychologist and the coauthor of Twenty Teachable Virtues. Teaching by instruction and example is much more effective, although it's important to let your child know you're disappointed. Instead of getting angry, take a moment to calm yourself down. Then say firmly, "I know you wanted that candy, but it upsets me that you ignored what I told you. Now you won't be allowed to have dessert tonight."

Give your child jobs. Research suggests that children who learn responsibility also learn altruism and caring. Grade-schoolers can take over simple jobs, such as feeding the dog or clearing the dinner table. Don't forget to pile on the praise for a job well done, and point out that your child's actions benefit everyone: "Thanks for remembering to set the table. We're all really hungry, and you've helped us sit down to dinner a lot faster."

Ask him to think of others. Each day is full of opportunities to remind your grade-schooler to think about how someone else might feel. "It's simple — say you're in the grocery store and your child asks for licorice. You can say, 'Sure. Now, do you think your little sister would like us to bring home a treat for her?'" says Wayne Dosick, a rabbi and the author of Golden Rules: The Ten Ethnical Values Parents Need to Teach Their Children.

Pay attention to your child's social life. Asking specific questions about people in your child's daily life reinforces the importance of social relationships and treating people well. Questions such as "Who did you play with at recess today?" and "What did you talk to Tommy about on the bus?" can lead to discussions about treating others with respect and kindness.

Involve your child in charitable activities. Acts of kindness and charity are an excellent way to teach your youngster empathy. When you take a meal to a sick neighbor or a friend with a new baby, let him help plan the menu. He can pack a bag of clothes to donate to the local charity and choose some of the toys and books he's outgrown to include as well. Help him write and mail a thank-you letter to Grandma for a birthday present. Explain that sometimes people need extra help, don't have the basics that they need, or would just feel happy to receive a sign of appreciation.

Expect the same behavior from boys and girls. Our society commonly considers men to be less empathetic than women. So sometimes, even without realizing it, we demand and praise empathetic behavior less often in boys than in girls. As Wyckoff says, "We set up this 'boy code' that goes on and on throughout their lives — 'I gotta be tough.' But if we're careful to teach them, boys can learn empathy just like girls."

source from http://parentcenter.babycenter.com

The Caring Child: How To Teach Empathy (age 5 to 6)

What to expect at this age
Kids don't have the cognitive skills to truly understand the concept of empathy until they're 8 or 9. But 5-year-olds, usually highly preoccupied with fairness, are concerned about being treated well, and they want others — friends, strangers, even characters in books — to be treated well too. Here's how to nurture these budding displays of empathy.

What you can do
Label the feeling. Your kindergartner will be able to understand and manage her emotions much better if she can recognize her feelings. So put a name to her behavior as often as you can. Say, for instance, "It was very kind of you to talk to that boy who was all alone on the swing. He might have been feeling lonely." By hearing that you noticed her behavior, she'll learn that you recognize and value her responsiveness. She needs to understand negative emotions, too, so don't be afraid to calmly point out when your 5-year-old's being less than caring. Try saying, "It made your baby brother really sad when you grabbed his rattle. What could you do to help him feel better?"

Another way to teach your kindergartner to understand and define her emotions is to have a "feeling of the week." Each week, put up on the refrigerator or bulletin board a picture of someone experiencing a basic emotion — sadness, happiness, surprise, anger. Work your way up to more complicated emotions, such as frustration, nervousness, and jealousy (clip magazine photos or illustrations that capture these feelings). Talk with your child about times when she felt the same way.

Praise empathetic behavior. When your kindergartner performs an act of kindness, tell her what she did right, and be as specific as possible: "You were very generous to share your special stickers with Tommy. I saw him smiling, and I know he was happy."

Encourage your kindergartner to talk about her feelings — and yours. Let her know that you care about how she feels by listening intently. If she has a story about someone else ("Tommy got in trouble for shoving Therese, and I don't think that was fair"), listen to her views before offering your own. And when she says she's mad, paraphrase what she says — "Oh, you're feeling grumpy today?" — so she knows you're listening and feels encouraged to elaborate.

Similarly, share your own feelings with her: "It makes me feel bad when you yell at me. Let's think of another way for you to tell me you're angry." This is also a fine time to share some of your feelings that don't relate to your child's actions. You can say, "I'm frustrated that I didn't meet my deadline at work today" or "I got annoyed with Aunt Mary today, just like you get mad at your sister. But we're still friends." Your 5-year-old will learn that adults have feelings and emotions too, that they're a normal part of life, and that learning to cope with them is an important part of growing up.

Point out other people's behavior. Teach your kindergartner to notice when someone else has behaved kindly. You might say, for example, "Remember how friendly your new teacher was on the first day of school? She helped you feel less scared." By doing this, you reinforce her understanding of how people's actions can affect her emotionally. Books also provide wonderful opportunities to explore emotions. Ask your 5-year-old how she thinks the children in a fairy tale are feeling, and whether she thinks she'd be scared or brave in the same situation. Tell her how you might feel too.

Teach nonverbal cues. At the playground or park, find a quiet place where you and your 5-year-old can sit and observe others without being rude. Play a game of guessing what other people are feeling, and explain the specific reasons for your own guesses: "See that man? He's walking really quickly and his shoulders are hunched, and he's making a mean face. I think he's angry about something."

Teach basic rules of politeness. Good manners are a great way for your kindergartner to show caring and respect for others. "Please" and "thank you" are phrases 5-year-olds should use automatically. Explain that you're more inclined to hand over her sandwich when she asks for it politely and that you don't like it when she orders you around. Even if these phrases sound rote at times, they teach kids how important it is to treat others with respect. Of course, being polite to her is worth a thousand rules and explanations. Say "please" and "thank you" regularly to your kindergartner and to others, and she'll learn that these phrases are part of normal communication, both at home and out in public.

Don't use anger to control your child. Though it's easy to get upset when she sneaks the candy you told her not to eat before dinner, try not to use anger as a tool to manage her behavior. "When you say, 'I'm really mad at you,' children shut down and withdraw," says Jerry L. Wyckoff, a psychologist and coauthor of Twenty Teachable Virtues. Teaching by instruction and example is much more effective, although it's important to let your child know you're disappointed. Instead of getting angry, take a moment to calm yourself down. Then say firmly, "I know you wanted that candy, but it upsets me that you ignored what I told you. Now you won't be allowed to have dessert tonight."

Give your kindergartner jobs. Research suggests that children who learn responsibility also learn altruism and caring. Five-year-olds can take over simple jobs, such as feeding the dog or clearing the dinner table. Don't forget to pile on the praise for a job well done and point out that your child's actions benefit everyone: "Thanks for remembering to set the table. We're all really hungry, and you've helped us sit down to dinner a lot faster."

Ask her to think of others. Each day is full of opportunities to remind your 5-year-old to think about how someone else might feel. "It's simple — say you're in the grocery store and your child asks for some licorice. Say, 'Sure. Now, do you think your little sister would like us to bring home a treat for her?'" suggests Wayne Dosick, a rabbi and the author of Golden Rules: The Ten Ethnical Values Parents Need to Teach Their Children.

Pay attention to your child's social life. Asking specific questions about people in her daily life reinforces the importance of social relationships and treating people well. Questions such as "Who did you play with at recess today?" and "What did you talk to Tommy about on the bus?" can lead to discussions about treating others with respect and kindness.

Involve your kindergartner in charitable activities. Acts of kindness and charity are an excellent way to teach her empathy. When you take a meal to a sick neighbor or a friend with a new baby, let her help plan the menu. She can pack a bag of clothes to donate to a local charity and choose some of the toys she's outgrown to give as well. Help her write a thank-you letter to Grandma for a birthday present. Explain that sometimes people need extra help, don't have the basics that they need, or would just feel happy to receive a sign of appreciation.

Expect the same behavior from boys and girls. Our society commonly considers men to be less empathetic than women. So sometimes, even without realizing it, we demand and praise empathetic behavior less often in boys than in girls. As Wyckoff says, "We set up this 'boy code' that goes on and on throughout their lives — 'I gotta be tough.' But if we're careful to teach them, boys can learn empathy just like girls."

source from http://parentcenter.babycenter.com

The Caring Child: How To Teach Empathy (age 3 to 4)

What to expect at this age
Human beings are prewired to be empathetic, at least to some extent: Research shows that when one infant in a nursery cries, those who cry along tend to grow up to have the most empathy. (So take heart the next time your baby starts wailing the minute your preschooler breaks down in tears.) Still, 3- and 4-year-olds, as any parent knows, are not models of selfless, generous behavior. "They're not developmentally capable of understanding empathy," says Jane Nelsen, a child therapist and co-author of Positive Discipline for Preschoolers. "But this doesn't mean you shouldn't keep teaching it to them. If your preschooler hits his sister, for instance, you can say, 'It hurts when you hit people. Here's how you touch nicely. How does that feel?' At some point your words will kick in — just expect it to take a while."

What you can do
Label the feeling. Begin by putting a name to your preschooler's behavior so he can recognize emotions. Say, "Oh, you're being so kind," when he kisses your hurt finger. He'll learn from your reaction that his responsiveness is recognized and valued. He needs to understand negative emotions, too, so don't be afraid to calmly point out when your preschooler's being less than caring. Try saying, "It made your baby brother really sad when you grabbed his rattle. What could you do to help him feel better?"

Another way to teach your preschooler to understand and define his emotions is to have a "feeling of the week." Each week, put up on the refrigerator or bulletin board a picture of someone experiencing a basic emotion — sadness, happiness, surprise, anger. Talk with your child about times when he felt each of these emotions.

Praise empathetic behavior. When your preschooler performs an act of kindness, tell him what he did right, and be as specific as possible: "You were very generous to share your toy car with your baby brother! That made him happy. See how he's smiling?"

Encourage your preschooler to talk about his feelings — and yours. Let him know that you care about his feelings by listening intently. Look him in the eye when he talks to you, and paraphrase what he says. When he shouts, "Hooray!" for example, respond with "Oh, you're feeling happy today." He may not know how to answer if you ask him why, but he'll have no problem talking about "feeling happy." Similarly, you can share your own feelings with him: "I feel sad that you hit me. Let's think of another way you could tell me you don't want to wear those shoes." He'll learn that his actions affect others, a tough concept for young children to grasp.

It's also fine to share your feelings even if they don't relate to your child's actions. You can say, "I'm sad that I didn't get to mail my letter to Grandma today" or "Sometimes I get annoyed with Daddy even though I love him very much." Your preschooler will learn that adults have feelings and emotions too, that they're a normal part of life, and that learning to cope with them is an important part of growing up.

Point out other people's behavior. Teach your preschooler to notice when someone else behaves kindly. Try saying, "Remember that lady at the grocery store, the one who helped us pick up our food when I dropped the bag? She was really nice to us, and she made me feel better when I was upset." By doing this, you reinforce your child's understanding of how people's actions can affect him emotionally. Books also provide good examples for preschoolers to relate to. Ask your child how he thinks the lost puppy in one story is feeling, or why the little girl in another is smiling. Tell him how you'd feel if you were one of those characters, and ask how he'd react. These discussions will help him learn about other people's emotions and relate them to his own.

Teach verbal cues. Some kids have trouble understanding different tones of voice. Your preschooler may not realize that his little sister is whining because she's unhappy and wants him to stop teasing her. Help him tune into other people's emotions by making a game out of it. Repeat a phrase in several different tones of voice and have him guess what you mean each time. Say the words "Listen to me" as though you were angry, happy, or had a secret to share, for example, and see if he can detect the difference in each version.

Teach nonverbal cues. At the playground or park, find a quiet place where you and your preschooler can sit and observe others without being rude. Play a game of guessing what other people are feeling, and explain the specific reasons for your own guesses: "See that little boy? I think he's happy, because he's jumping up and down and laughing. What could be making him so happy?"

Teach basic rules of politeness. Good manners are a concrete way for your preschooler to show caring and respect for others. As soon as he can communicate verbally, he can begin to say "please" and "thank you." Explain that you're more inclined to help him when he's polite to you, and that you don't like it when he orders you around. Of course, being polite to him is worth a thousand rules and explanations. Say "please" and "thank you" regularly to your preschooler and to others, and he'll learn that these phrases are part of normal communication, both at home and out in public.

Don't use anger to control your child. Though it's easy to get upset when your preschooler whacks his baby sister, try not to use anger as a tool to manage her behavior. Teaching by instruction and example is much more effective, especially at this age. "When you say, 'I'm really mad at you,' children shut down and withdraw," says Jerry L. Wyckoff, a psychologist and coauthor of Twenty Teachable Virtues. "Instead, show your child empathy." Rather than getting angry, take a moment to calm yourself down. Then say firmly, "I know you were mad, but you shouldn't hit your sister. That hurt her, and it made me sad. Please tell her you're sorry."

Give your preschooler small jobs. Research suggests that children who learn responsibility also learn altruism and caring. Preschoolers usually love performing small tasks, and some jobs, such as feeding pets, teach empathy especially well, particularly when you pile on the praise for a job well done. "Look how Rover's wagging his tail! You're being so nice to him. He's really happy you're giving him his dinner."

Set an example. Acts of kindness and charity are an excellent way to teach your child empathy. Bring him along when you're taking a meal to a sick neighbor or a friend with a new baby. Let him help you pack the bag of clothes to take to the local charity. You can explain very simply that sometimes people are sick and can't do things for themselves, and sometimes they just need extra help.

Expect the same behavior from boys and girls. Our society commonly considers men to be less empathetic than women. So sometimes, even without realizing it, we demand and praise empathetic behavior less often in boys than in girls. As Wyckoff says, "We set up this 'boy code' that goes on and on throughout their lives — 'I gotta be tough.' But if we're careful to teach them, boys can learn empathy just like girls."

source from http://parentcenter.babycenter.com

The Caring Child: How To Teach Empathy (age 2)

What to expect at this age
Human beings are prewired to be empathetic, at least to some extent: Research shows that when one infant in a nursery cries, those who cry along tend to grow up to have the most empathy. (So take heart the next time your baby starts wailing the minute your preschooler breaks down in tears.) Still, 2-year-olds, as any parent knows, are not models of selfless, generous behavior. "They're not developmentally capable of understanding empathy," says Jane Nelsen, a child therapist and co-author of Positive Discipline for Preschoolers. "But this doesn't mean you shouldn't keep teaching it to them. If your 2-year-old hits her sister, for instance, you can say, 'It hurts when you hit people. Here's how you touch nicely. How does that feel?' At some point your words will kick in — just expect it to take a while."

What you can do
Label the feeling. Begin by putting a name to your child's behavior, so she can recognize emotions. Say, "Oh, you're being so kind," when your 2-year-old kisses your hurt finger. She'll learn from your reaction that her responsiveness is recognized and valued. She needs to recognize negative emotions, too, so don't be afraid to calmly point out when she's being less than caring. Try saying, "It made your baby brother really sad when you grabbed his rattle. What could you do to help him feel better?"

Praise empathetic behavior. When your child performs an act of kindness, tell her what she did right, and be as specific as possible: "You were very generous to share your teddy bear with your baby brother! That made him happy. See how he's smiling?"

Encourage your 2-year-old to talk about her feelings — and yours. Let her know that you care about her feelings by listening intently. Look her in the eye when she talks to you, and paraphrase what she says. When she shouts, "Hooray!" for example, respond with "Oh, you're feeling happy today." She may not know how to answer if you ask her why, but she'll have no problem talking about "feeling happy." Similarly, share your own feelings with her: "I feel sad that you hit me. Let's think of another way you could tell me you don't want to wear those shoes." She'll learn that her actions affect others, a tough concept for small children to grasp.

Point out other people's behavior. Teach your child to notice when someone else has behaved kindly. Try saying, "Remember that lady at the grocery store, the one who helped us pick up our food when I dropped the bag? She was really nice to us, and she made me feel better when I was upset." By doing this, you reinforce your 2-year-old's understanding of how people's actions can affect others emotionally. Books also provide good examples, so ask your child how she thinks the lost puppy in one story is feeling, or why the little girl in another is smiling. Tell her how you'd feel if you were one of those characters, and ask how she'd react. These discussions will help her learn about other people's emotions and relate them to her own.

Teach basic rules of politeness. Good manners are a concrete way for your child to show caring and respect for others. As soon as your child can communicate verbally, she can begin to say "please" and "thank you." Explain that you're more inclined to help her when she's polite to you, and that you don't like it when she orders you around. Of course, being polite to her is worth a thousand rules and explanations. Say "please" and "thank you" regularly to your child and to others, and she'll learn that these phrases are part of normal communication, both at home and out in public.

Don't use anger to control your child. Though it's easy to get upset when your 2-year-old whacks her baby brother, try not to use anger as a tool to manage her behavior. Teaching by instruction and example is much more effective, especially at this age. "When you say, 'I'm really mad at you,' children shut down and withdraw," says Jerry L. Wyckoff, a psychologist and coauthor of Twenty Teachable Virtues. "Instead, show your child empathy." Rather than getting angry, take a moment to calm yourself down. Then say firmly, "I know you were mad, but you shouldn't hit your brother. That hurt him, and it made me sad. Please tell him you're sorry."

Give your child small jobs. Research suggests that children who learn responsibility also learn altruism and caring. Two-year-olds love performing small tasks, and some jobs, such as feeding pets, teach empathy especially well, particularly when you pile on the praise for a job well done: "Look how Rover's wagging his tail! You're being so nice to him. He's really happy you're giving him his dinner."

Set a good example. Acts of kindness and charity are an excellent way to teach your child empathy. Bring her along when you're taking a meal to a sick neighbor or a friend with a new baby. Let her help you pack the bag of clothes to take to the local charity. You can explain very simply that sometimes people are sick or don't have enough food or clothing, and so they need the help of the people around them.

source from http://parentcenter.babycenter.com