The Respectful Child: How To Teach Respect (age 6 to 8)

What to expect at this age
Grade-schoolers aren't exactly paragons of respectful behavior. In fact, it often seems as though their whole purpose in life is to get your goat. That's perfectly normal, according to Jane Nelsen, an education specialist and the coauthor of Positive Discipline A—Z. "They're testing the limits of their power," she says. "Frankly, I worry about kids who don't do this!" Despite the ongoing need to test limits, kids also need to learn the importance of respect for others — and respect begins at home.

What you can do
Demonstrate respectful behavior. "We don't generally give our children the kind of respect that we demand from them," says Jerry Wyckoff, a psychologist and the coauthor of Twenty Teachable Virtues. "We get confused because often, our upbringing makes us equate respect with fear: 'I really respected my father because I knew he'd hit me if ... ' That's not respect — that's fear."

Instead, begin by listening. In daily conversation, look your child in the eye and make it clear that you're interested in what she's saying. To listen more formally, hold regular family meetings where everyone — including your grade-schooler — can air their ideas and opinions about issues facing the whole family.

Teach polite responses. Your youngster can show caring and respect for others through good manners. By this age, she ought to be saying "please" and "thank you" regularly and need just the occasional reminder. Explain that you'd rather help her when she's polite to you, and that you don't like it when she orders you around. Again, being respectful yourself works better than lecturing. Say "please" and "thank you" to your child (and others), and she'll learn that the phrases are part of normal communication, both within your family and in public.

Avoid overreacting. If your grade-schooler calls you a "butthead," try not to get upset (hey, at least you don't have cooties!). A child who wants to provoke a reaction will endure almost any unpleasantness just to get a rise out of you. Instead, get face to face and say quietly but firmly, "We don't call each other names in this family." Then show her how to get what she wants respectfully: "When you want me to help you, just ask me nicely. Say, 'Mom, I need some help with my homework, please.'"

Expect disagreements. Life would be much easier if our children always happily complied with our requests, but that's not human nature. Try to remember that when your grade-schooler won't do your bidding, she isn't trying to be disrespectful — she just has a different opinion.

Teach her that she'll fare better if she can learn to stop expressing herself disrespectfully ("You're so boring, I don't want to be with you!") and instead learns to put a positive spin on her requests ("I really don't want to go with you to Grandma's this afternoon. Can't we call Emma and see if I can go play with her while you're gone?").

Set limits. "One of the best ways to model respect is to be both kind and firm in all of your discipline," says Nelsen. "Being kind shows respect for your child, and being firm shows respect for what needs to be done."

So if your grade-schooler throws a fit in the clothing store and none of your coping tactics work, what do you do? If the shopping can be postponed, tell her matter-of-factly, "We're going to leave now and come back to the store another time when you're feeling calmer." If the errand has to get done, walk a few feet away from your child after telling her "I'll be right over here where you can see me. Let me know when you're feeling calmer, and then we can finish up our shopping." If the meltdown continues you can always lead your child out to the car, where she can collect herself in private.

Talk it over later. Sometimes the best way to handle disrespect is to discuss it with your grade-schooler later, when you've both had a chance to cool off. You can validate her feelings and make your point by saying, "Honey, I could tell you were very upset. What do you think caused that? What ideas do you have to solve the problem? What would be a more respectful way to tell me how you're feeling?"

"One mistake parents make is that they try to impose consequences instead of helping children explore consequences," says Nelsen. "If your child believes you're really curious about her thinking, it's amazing — she'll often come to the same conclusion you would."

Praise respectful behavior. Reinforce your grade-schooler's impromptu displays of politeness as much as possible. But be specific. "The praise should describe the behavior in detail," Wyckoff emphasizes. "We tend to say, 'I'm proud of you,' 'good job.'" Instead, say, "Thank you for saying please when you asked for a snack," or "Thank you for asking my permission before you borrowed the scissors from my desk." Be explicit, and your youngster will quickly learn that her efforts are worthwhile and appreciated.

source from http://parentcenter.babycenter.com

The Respectful Child: How To Teach Respect (age 5)

What to expect at this age
Five-year-olds aren't exactly models of respectful behavior — in fact, it often seems as though their whole purpose in life is to get your goat. That's perfectly normal, according to Jane Nelsen, an education specialist and the coauthor of Positive Discipline A—Z. "They're testing their power," she says. "Frankly, I worry about kids who don't do this!"

Despite the need for feeling their oats, 5-year-olds are ripe for learning good manners. So don't wait to begin teaching your child the importance of respect.

What you can do
Demonstrate respectful behavior. "We don't generally give our children the kind of respect that we demand from them," says Jerry Wyckoff, a psychologist and the coauthor of Twenty Teachable Virtues. "We get confused because often, our upbringing makes us equate respect with fear. 'I really respected my father because I knew he'd hit me if ... ' That's not respect — that's fear." Instead, begin by listening. It can be hard to wait patiently for a 5-year-old to have his say, but it's worth it. Get down on his level, look him in the eye, and let him know you're interested in what he's telling you. It's the best way to teach him to listen to you just as carefully.

Teach polite responses. Your kindergartner can show caring and respect for others through good manners. As soon as he can communicate verbally, he can learn to say "please" and "thank you." Explain that you'd rather help him when he's polite to you, and that you don't like it when he orders you around. Again, being respectful yourself works better than lecturing. Say "please" and "thank you" regularly to your child (and others), and he'll learn that the phrases are part of normal communication, both within your family and in public.

Avoid overreacting. If your child calls you a "butthead," try not to get upset (hey, at least you don't have cooties!). A kindergartner who wants to provoke a reaction will endure almost any unpleasantness just to get a rise out of you. Instead, get face to face and say quietly but firmly, "We don't call each other names in our family." Then show him how to get what he wants by being respectful: "When you want me to play with you, just ask me nicely. Say, 'Dad, will you please come and build a tower with me right now?'"

Expect disagreements. Life would be much easier if our children always happily complied with our requests, but that's not human nature. Try to remember that when your youngster won't do your bidding, he isn't trying to be disrespectful — he just has a different opinion.

Teach him that he'll fare better if he can learn to stop expressing himself disrespectfully ("You never take me for bike rides, and I hate you!") and instead learns to put a positive spin on his requests ("Can we please go bike riding after the grocery store?").

Set limits. "One of the best ways to demonstrate respect is to be both kind and firm in your discipline," says Nelsen. "Being kind shows respect for your child, and being firm shows respect for what needs to be done."

So if your kindergartner throws a fit in the video store, and none of your coping tactics work, what do you do? "Kindly but firmly take him out to the car, and sit and read a book or magazine until he's done," advises Nelsen. Then you can say calmly, "Now you're ready to try again," and return to the store. He'll learn that a temper tantrum doesn't change the fact that errands have to get done.

Talk it over later. Sometimes the best way to handle disrespectful behavior is to discuss it with your child later, when you've both had a chance to cool off. You can validate his feelings and make your point by saying, "Honey, I could tell you were very upset. What do you think caused that? What ideas do you have to solve the problem? What would be a more respectful way to tell me how you're feeling?"

"If a child knows you're really curious about his thinking, it's amazing," says Nelsen. "He'll often come to the same conclusion you would."

Praise respectful behavior. Reinforce your kindergartner's impromptu displays of politeness as much as possible. But be specific. "The praise should describe the behavior in detail," Wyckoff emphasizes. "We tend to say, 'good girl,' 'good boy,' 'good job.'" Instead, say, "Thank you for saying please when you asked for a snack," or "Thank you for asking my permission before you borrowed the tape from my desk." Be explicit, and your child will quickly learn that his efforts are worthwhile and appreciated.

source from http://parentcenter.babycenter.com

The Respectful Child: How To Teach Respect (age 2)

What to expect at this age
Trying to get respectful behavior out of a 2-year-old is like trying to get blood from the proverbial stone. That's due, in part, to the fact that a 2-year-old's language skills are still developing. So when you tell him it's bedtime, he can't say, "Gee, I'm really having fun with my trucks, and I wonder if we could negotiate for five more minutes of playtime?" He's more likely to ignore you, stick out his tongue, or yell, "I hate you!" at the top of his lungs. This doesn't mean he's a lost cause — only that he's very young and still needs years of consistent teaching and practice to learn how to show respect.

What you can do
Demonstrate respectful behavior. "We don't generally give our children the kind of respect that we demand from them," says Jerry Wyckoff, a psychologist and the coauthor of Twenty Teachable Virtues. "We get confused because often, our upbringing makes us equate respect with fear. 'I really respected my father because I knew he'd hit me if ...' That's not respect — that's fear." Instead, begin by listening. It can be hard to wait patiently for a 2-year-old to have his say, but it's worth it. Get down on his level, look him in the eye, and let him know you're interested in what he's telling you. It's the best way to teach him to listen to you just as carefully.

Teach polite responses. Your child can show caring and respect for others through good manners. As soon as he can communicate verbally, he can learn to say "please" and "thank you." Explain that you'd rather help him when he's polite to you, and that you don't like it when he orders you around. Again, being respectful yourself works better than lecturing. Say "please" and "thank you" regularly to your 2-year-old (and others), and he'll learn that the phrases are part of normal communication, both within your family and in public.

Avoid overreacting. If your child hits you or calls you a "doo-doo head," try not to get upset (after all, you know you're not a doo-doo head). A child who wants to provoke a reaction will endure almost any unpleasantness just to get a rise out of you. Instead, get face to face and say quietly but firmly, "We don't hit or talk that way in this family." Then show him how to get what he wants in a respectful manner: "When you want me to play with you, just ask me nicely. Say, 'Mommy, I want you to come read me a story right now.'"

Expect disagreements. Life would be much easier if our kids always happily complied with our requests, but that's not human nature. Try to remember that when your child won't do your bidding, he isn't trying to be disrespectful — he just has a different opinion.

Teach him that he'll fare better if he can learn to stop expressing himself disrespectfully ("You never take me to the park, you bad mommy!") and instead learns to put a positive spin on his requests ("Can we please go to the park after the grocery store?"). As your child's verbal skills mature, he'll be able to come up with these polite requests himself; in the meantime, teach him by supplying him with examples.

Set limits. "One of the best ways to demonstrate respect is to be both kind and firm in your discipline," says Jane Nelsen, an education specialist and the coauthor of Positive Discipline for Preschoolers. "Being kind shows respect for your child, and being firm shows respect for what needs to be done." So if your 2-year-old throws a fit in the supermarket, and none of your coping tactics work, what do you do? "Kindly but firmly take him out to the car, and sit and read a magazine until he's done," advises Nelsen. Then you can say calmly, "Now you're ready to try again," and return to the store. Eventually, he'll learn that a temper tantrum doesn't change the fact that the food shopping has to get done.

Praise respectful behavior. Reinforce your 2-year-old's impromptu displays of politeness as much as possible. But be specific. "The praise should describe the behavior in detail," Wyckoff emphasizes. "We tend to say, 'good girl,' 'good boy,' 'good job.'" Instead, say, "Thank you for saying please when you asked for a treat," or "Thank you for waiting your turn while the other kids got their ice cream." Be explicit, and your child will see that his efforts are worthwhile and appreciated.

source from http://parentcenter.babycenter.com