What to expect at this age
At around 8 or 9, children begin to develop the cognitive skills necessary to understand the concept of empathy. But even 6-year-olds are preoccupied with fairness and concerned about being treated well, and they want others — friends, strangers, even characters in books — to be treated well too. Here's how to nurture these budding displays of empathy.
What you can do
Label the feeling. Your gradeschooler will be able to understand and manage his emotions much better if he can recognize them. So put a name to his behavior whenever you can. Say, for instance, "It was very kind of you to talk to that girl who was all alone on the swing. She must have been very lonely." By hearing that you noticed his behavior, he'll learn that you recognize and value his responsiveness. He needs to understand negative emotions, too, so don't be afraid to calmly point out when he's being less than caring. Try saying, "It made your baby brother really sad when you grabbed his rattle. What could you do to help him feel better?"
Praise empathetic behavior. When your child performs an act of kindness, tell him what he did right, and be as specific as possible: "You were very generous to share your pretzels with Tommy. I saw him smiling, and I know he was happy."
Encourage your grade-schooler to talk about his feelings — and yours. Let him know that you care about how he feels by listening intently. If he has a story about someone else ("Tommy got in trouble for shoving Therese, and I don't think that was fair"), listen to his views before offering your own. And when he says he's mad, paraphrase what he says — "Oh, you're feeling grumpy today?" — so he knows you're listening and feels encouraged to elaborate.
Similarly, share your own feelings with him: "It makes me feel bad when you yell at me. Let's think of another way for you to tell me you're angry." It's a good idea to share your feelings even if they don't relate to your child's actions. You can say, "I'm frustrated that I didn't meet my deadline at work today" or "I got annoyed with Aunt Mary today, just like you get mad at your sister. But we're still friends." Your grade-schooler will learn that adults have feelings and emotions too, that they're a normal part of life, and that learning to cope with them is an important part of growing up.
Point out other people's behavior. Teach your child to notice when someone else has behaved kindly. You might say, for example, "Remember how friendly Sarah was to you on the first day of school? She helped you feel less lonesome." By doing this, you reinforce your grade-schooler's understanding of how people's actions can affect him emotionally.
Books also provide wonderful opportunities to explore emotions. Ask your child how he thinks the characters in his favorite books are feeling, and whether he thinks he'd be scared or brave or happy in the same situations. Tell him how you might feel too.
Teach nonverbal cues. At the playground or park, find a quiet place where you and your child can sit and discreetly observe others. Play a game of guessing what other people are feeling, and explain the specific reasons for your own guesses: "See that man? He's walking really quickly and his shoulders are hunched, and he's making a mean face. I think he's mad about something."
Teach basic rules of politeness. Good manners are a concrete way for your grade-schooler to show caring and respect for others. "Please" and "thank you" are phrases that school-age kids can and should be expected to use automatically. Explain to your child that you're more inclined to hand over his sandwich when he asks for it politely and that you don't like it when he orders you around. Even if these phrases sound rote at times, they teach kids how important it is to treat others with respect. Of course, being polite to him is worth a thousand rules and explanations. Say "please" and "thank you" regularly to your grade-schooler and to others, and he'll learn that these phrases are part of normal communication, both at home and out in public.
Don't use anger to control your child. Though it's easy to get upset when he sneaks the candy you told him not to eat before dinner, try not to use anger as a tool to manage his behavior. "When you say, 'I'm really mad at you,' children shut down and withdraw," says Jerry L. Wyckoff, a psychologist and the coauthor of Twenty Teachable Virtues. Teaching by instruction and example is much more effective, although it's important to let your child know you're disappointed. Instead of getting angry, take a moment to calm yourself down. Then say firmly, "I know you wanted that candy, but it upsets me that you ignored what I told you. Now you won't be allowed to have dessert tonight."
Give your child jobs. Research suggests that children who learn responsibility also learn altruism and caring. Grade-schoolers can take over simple jobs, such as feeding the dog or clearing the dinner table. Don't forget to pile on the praise for a job well done, and point out that your child's actions benefit everyone: "Thanks for remembering to set the table. We're all really hungry, and you've helped us sit down to dinner a lot faster."
Ask him to think of others. Each day is full of opportunities to remind your grade-schooler to think about how someone else might feel. "It's simple — say you're in the grocery store and your child asks for licorice. You can say, 'Sure. Now, do you think your little sister would like us to bring home a treat for her?'" says Wayne Dosick, a rabbi and the author of Golden Rules: The Ten Ethnical Values Parents Need to Teach Their Children.
Pay attention to your child's social life. Asking specific questions about people in your child's daily life reinforces the importance of social relationships and treating people well. Questions such as "Who did you play with at recess today?" and "What did you talk to Tommy about on the bus?" can lead to discussions about treating others with respect and kindness.
Involve your child in charitable activities. Acts of kindness and charity are an excellent way to teach your youngster empathy. When you take a meal to a sick neighbor or a friend with a new baby, let him help plan the menu. He can pack a bag of clothes to donate to the local charity and choose some of the toys and books he's outgrown to include as well. Help him write and mail a thank-you letter to Grandma for a birthday present. Explain that sometimes people need extra help, don't have the basics that they need, or would just feel happy to receive a sign of appreciation.
Expect the same behavior from boys and girls. Our society commonly considers men to be less empathetic than women. So sometimes, even without realizing it, we demand and praise empathetic behavior less often in boys than in girls. As Wyckoff says, "We set up this 'boy code' that goes on and on throughout their lives — 'I gotta be tough.' But if we're careful to teach them, boys can learn empathy just like girls."
source from http://parentcenter.babycenter.com
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